Lightning Response - Short Story

Henry and Selma Higgins retired to a small assisted living community on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico, not far from Tampa. Henry, being the more mobile of the two, spent much of his day wandering the neighborhood, picking up gossip, and managing to stay out of trouble - only just.

Selma looked forward to Henry’s walks because it got him out of her way. She loved the man dearly but wished at times he would cease his endless prattling. Take this morning for instance. Selma busied herself by cleaning up after breakfast while Henry followed her like a puppy begging for attention.

“Selma, did I tell you what old man Patterson said yesterday?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Did I tell you that he’s been keeping company with that widow down the way?”

“Yes, dear.” Selma said.

“Did I tell you—“

“Henry Wallace Higgins! For crying out loud, will you find something to do? God should strike you down for wagging that gossipy old tongue!”

Henry mumbled about only wanting to pass on some news as he kept a fair distance from Selma’s sharp tongue.

“Henry, don’t you pay no never mind to what that old rogue Patterson does. I don’t know what’s worse, the two of you old men together out causing trouble or you both on your own, getting into twice as much!”

Selma turned at a quick knock on the door. “Speak of the devil.”

“Hey, Higgins, come on out. Gotta show you sumpin’ out here!”

Henry looked to Selma.

“Oh, go on with you. It’ll get you out from under my feet. Just don’t get into anymore trouble!”

With an excited yelp, Henry grabbed his hat, pecked Selma on the cheek and headed for the door before she changed her mind.

Wiping off the counter, Selma dropped the rag and held a hand to her mouth to suppress a giggle. “That old man will never grow up.”

She settled into her easy chair with a glass of sweet tea and her favorite magazine. Halfway through an interesting story, she jumped nearly six feet while dropping her magazine when Henry bounded through the door wheezing and out of breath.

Holding a hand over her heart she gasped, “Good Lord, you gave me such a fright!”

Henry collapsed on the small couch, mimicking Selma’s hand clutched to her chest. “You should have seen us, Sel. “

Wheeze.

“We found this snake in the laundry room.”

Cough.

“And set it loose in the rec room.”

Gasp. This was from Selma.

Henry’s eyes watered as he laughed like a little boy.

“Henry Wallace Higgins, God should strike you down for all those practical jokes you play!”

The next morning, Selma and Henry sat quietly as they listened to the pastor’s sermon about the power of the Almighty God. Afterwards, they filed out of the church with the rest of the congregation. The parking lot emptied fast. By the time Henry and Selma paid their respects to the pastor, only a few cars were left.

Henry held Selma’s arm as he walked at her side, slowing his eager steps to her more hesitant ones.

“Selma,” Henry kept his voice low. “Old man Patterson and I want to—“

***

Selma blinked and shielded her eyes. She struggled to sit up only to find herself being held down by a man in a fireman’s uniform. “What happened?” she asked, confused as to why her voice sounded so far away.

“Near as we can figure, ma’am, a lightning strike.”

“Henry?”

“He’s fine too, ma’am. We’re going to take you both to the hospital and get you checked out.”

Familiar laughter drifted across to Selma’s ringing ears. How could that old fool be laughing at a time like this?

The old man’s body shook as he laughed. Those in the crowd murmured that the shock had caused him to lose his mind. For who in their right mind would laugh after being struck by lightning?

The first set of paramedics helped him to a stretcher while the others helped poor Selma. As they lay side by side in their separate stretchers, Selma held out her small, bony hand toward Henry. She shook a finger at him, “See, I told you that God would strike you down!”

Henry continued to laugh.

“What are you laughing at old man?” Selma demanded. Her voice hoarse and scratchy.

“You, old woman!”

Selma stared back in disbelief. “What?”

“God didn’t strike me down, he was aiming at you!”

“Why you old . . . “ Selma had no words to describe her outrage.

“See what you get for telling Him what to do all the time!” With a final burst of laughter, the old man lay back on his stretcher and motioned with his hand for the paramedics to put him into the ambulance.

Image credit: lhfgraphics / 123RF Stock Photo

Is it Dementia or Aging? - Humorous Post

This was sent to me in an e-mail with no information about the original author. So, I'm sharing it with you.

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING???

 

 

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true . . . )

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener, and she said they didn't have

any, only Splenda and Sugar.)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

 

After the girl had scanned all of my items,

she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't

think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things

and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing,

she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

 

(Keep shuddering!!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady

weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.  She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the  battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know.  Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk...'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt

yourself!!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a Secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?'  'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the Emergency Room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.  The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to the Emergency Room right now!'

Life is tough.  It's even tougher if you're

stupid!!! 

 

Someone had to remind me, so I'm

reminding you too.  Don't laugh . . . it is

all true . . . 

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and

heading towards 70!

01.   Kidnappers are not very interested in

you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to

be released first.

03. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a

hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard

way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your

glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about

pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as

a challenge.

 

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach

in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance

is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate

meteorologists than the national weather

service.

17.

Your secrets are safe with your friends

because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally

down to manageable size!!!!

19. You can't remember who sent you this

list.

20. And you notice these are all in BIG

PRINT for your convenience!!!

Forward this to everyone you can

remember right now!!!!

Never, under any circumstances, take a

sleeping pill and a laxative on the same

night!

Now that you've had your laugh for the day go out and share that smile!

Non Sequitur Takes a Poke at Social Networking

I love the comics. I read them every day. Well, almost every day, if I have to be utterly honest. One of my favorites is Non Sequitur.

Wiley Miller, the cartoonist for Non Sequitur has an outrageous sense of humor and sees our world as no one else does absurdities and all.

A few days ago, he jumped into the world of social networking by taking a poke at Facebook.



So, what is social networking? It's the grouping of individuals into specific groups. Huh? Here's a website that can explain it easily. WHAT IS SOCIAL NETWORKING?

Facebook is just one of those social networks. Myspace is another. LinkedIn is another. Those are the top three. And, they're all used for very different reasons by very different people.

I'm going to be VERY basic here. One size does not FIT ALL!!!!

Myspace is used by the younger crowd and the artists groups: authors, muscians, artists, etc.

Facebook is used by slightly older crowd and you still have the artists groups as well as more business people. It's also used by the families and schoolmates looking to reconnect.

LinkedIn is probably the only one that has the majority of business people on it and does nearly all business, no socializing.

I purposely left out the Tweeters mostly because I don't understand them, and I don't exactly know how they fit into a stable social network.

So, enjoy the cartoons and have fun on your social networking site of choice.

We finally have Pictures!

For those of you who have been following along with our home remodeling project. Here's a picture of its current status.

The wall is capped and dear hubby will start the stucco this weekend.

I asked him, "Do you know how to stucco?"

"No. But, I'm reading a book about it."

Do you see where we're going from here? But, I have to admit, he didn't do badly with the wall at all. It's straight (mostly), level (sort of), and meets his specifications. There's even the required 40 inch gaps for the screen doors.

Speaking of screens, we finally agreed on who will do the work. Now we have to determine the "when". You see, the screeners can't start until the wall is finished. That means stucco. And paint. Now, who is going to paint?

Don't look at me!

Home Remodel Part Two

I helped my husband build a two foot concrete wall around our patio this weekend, leaving two 40 inch spaces for new screen doors. We're getting our patio screened in. But, dear hubby wants to do the concrete work himself. Like I mentioned in my previous post, he doesn't know what he's doing.

But he said he'll learn as he goes.

Uh huh. Well, he did. Sort of.

I can honestly say, it's the best wall I've ever seen built. Then again, I've never seen a wall built before.

To be truthful, it turned out a whole heck of a lot better than my wild imagination had doomed. The wall is straight. Pretty much. It's level. I'm taking hubby's word for that. And, it's the same height all the way around. That was the last thing I asked him to check before he called it done.

I did help too. Although, he wouldn't let me carry concrete blocks. He wouldn't let me slop mortar. But, I was in charge of the cement mixer we rented from Home Depot.

Did you know Home Depot rents portable cement mixers? I didn't.

I do now.

I never mixed a bag of mortar in my life, but I sure learned out this weekend. Just add the water a little at a time. Best tip I can give you.

Hubby's woes started early. He almost called it quits after laying the first few blocks. Nothing cooperated. The straight line. The block. The mortar. The lifting. Those darn blocks weigh something like 40 pounds each. I guess that's why hubby didn't want me lifting them. And the fact that if I dropped one it would crack our pool deck.

Oh, did I mention that this wall borders our pool's cool deck? And, guess who was in charge of making sure all the mortar didn't stick to the cool deck? Me, of course. Hubby didn't make it easy either. He slopped a lot of mortar around, not caring much where it went. Cool deck. Patio tile. Wherever.

I put myself in charge of cleaning tools after we were through for the day. Trowel. Shovel. Levels. Little pointy thing. The little pointy thing helped make sure the distance between the blocks remained constant. Don't know what it's called. Just called it the little pointy thing. And, it didn't work very well.

Or, I should say, hubby didn't use it very often. He said he could "eyeball" it and knew how far to put the blocks.

Uh huh.

That's why at the end we had to put in nearly an inch or so of mortar between blocks because we ended up with more space than blocks. But, who's pointing fingers? Not me. But, hey, we're done. The wall is up. No more concrete.

Ri-ight.

Our patio roof used to be held up by four by four cedar posts. Well, hubby cut those down and put up these post shorer things that hold the roof up. Yep. I learned what they were because I had to order them. Didn't have a clue what I was talking about, but I managed to order 4 of them.

Silly me, I thought we were going to replace those cedar posts with new four by four posts. Boy was I wrong. Hubby enlightened me today. "We're going to have to rent the cement mixer again," he tells me.

Guess why?

The posts are going to be replaced with concrete blocks. All the way up to the roof. Hmmm. The roof is higher than my hubby is tall. I can see ladders in the future, or would he stand on the new wall he created? Hmmm. Only time will tell.

But, I must admit. If this new screened in patio turns out like I'm imagining now, it could really be something. I'm getting excited about it.

Uh, maybe I should go back to thinking doom and gloom so I'm not disappointed?

The remodeling continues.

A Lesson in Home Improvement

My husband and I are making changes to our house. We bought it in an "At is" state, and have slowly made changes over the years. This year, we're screening in the back patio. Our goal is to have it done before Hurrican Season.

I wanted to hire a contractor and pay to have them do all the work. My husband said, "No, don't do that. I can do it for a lot less."

Now, has my husband ever screened in a patio before?

No.

But, he said he'll learn as he goes.

Uh, huh.

His plan is to build a block wall about 2 - 3 feet high all around the patio with concrete.

Has he ever done masonry work before?

Nope.

But, he said he'll learn as he goes.

Uh, huh.

Do you think we'll be done by Hurricane Season?

Well, we have two months. That should give hubby plenty of time to get the block wall finished so I can bring in professional screeners to finish it up.

You didn't think I was going to let him do everything by himself, did you? We compromised. And, he agreed, when it comes to screens, let the pros handle it.

After the screening is finished it get to replace my sliding glass doors with French double doors. One double pane of glass, with the blinds in between the glass. I can't wait.

Who's going to put in the double doors? We haven't agreed on that yet.

But, we will. I'll keep you informed.